Wong, your relationship is more likely to last if you and your partner improve how you understand each other's strengths and weaknesses.
Your particular characteristics and your attitude toward life have an impact on the relationships you have with others — including your partner. Based on your answers on the test, it seems you might not be focusing on certain strengths you can draw on to develop your romantic relationship. To work as a couple, you need to know how, individually, you can benefit the whole.
One thing in particular that may be causing, or might cause future problems in your relationships, is your level of contempt. Contempt arises from an overdose of criticism. By being too critical, you may be hurting your partner personally and weakening the bonds of the relationship. Couples who are able to give feedback constructively tend to have a more successful relationship because they aren't weakened by their partner's comments. If you can find out the underlying cause of your critical nature, you will likely be on track to finding the full potential and joy of a committed relationship.
First off, remember — no relationship is perfect. That's why it was important that we got a snapshot of your relationship, reported by you. In this report, Tickle analyzed four key elements that contribute to overall relationship satisfaction: conflict, connection, interaction, and personality. Your answers helped identify strengths and weaknesses that can help you improve your relationships. The next section of the report will show you more explicitly how you scored and where you can improve.
What does your personality add to the relationship?
There are five dimensions of your personality that are crucial to forming and sustaining committed relationships. In order to develop a strong relationship, you need to be mature, understanding, flexible, non-avoidant, and have low relationship anxiety. We'll take a look at how you scored below.
You have a combination of individual traits that will serve you well in attaining a healthy, successful relationship. It is most likely that your relationships, family and friends included, benefit from the blend of personal characteristics that you possess.
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Maturity
Maturity is a great asset to any relationship. It really says that you are ready to think about another person as much as you think about yourself. It also says that you are responsible for your commitment to another person.
You scored 10 out of 10 on the Maturity Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of commitment to and consideration of your partner. This will help your relationship, especially if your partner also has a high level of maturity and can appreciate your commitment to the relationship.
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Positive Emotionality
Negative emotionality has no positive place in a relationship. Destructive types of behaviors are usually hiding many different areas of fear. It is best to keep yourself from worrying to prevent any difficulties from developing in your relationship, which is why keeping a positive attitude about things can help your relationship
You scored 6 out of 10 on the Positive Emotionality Scale. This means that you probably have a lower level of worry, which can be very healthy for your relationship. This may help your relationship, especially if your partner also has a higher sense of comfort about most things in life. However, it may hurt your relationship to be too carefree, so this is something to make sure that you keep balanced.
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Flexibility
Flexibility is key to the success of any intimate relationship. If you can roll with the changes then you will be able to adapt to the struggles you may endure in your relationship. With greater flexibility, you also have a sense of peace about you, since you're not likely to be fazed by the small things in life.
You scored 6 out of 10 on the Flexibility Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of comfort with the ups and downs of any relationship. This will help your relationship, especially if your partner also has a high level of flexibility and you both can enjoy the flow of your relationship together.
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Non-avoidance
Avoidance is damaging to a relationship. It says that you are detached from your partner and that you probably fear intimacy with another. It may also mean that you enjoy your own company more than you enjoy the company of your partner.
You scored 6 out of 10 on the Non-avoidance Scale. Since you scored relatively high, this means that you probably have a higher level of closeness within your relationship, and that you do not have a fear of intimacy. This may help your relationship, especially if your partner enjoys being intimate and close to you.
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Lack of Anxiety
Too much anxiety is not healthy for a relationship. The anxiety is often a hidden fear of being alone. It is best to allow the partnership to breathe and give your partner space to pursue their own goals while supporting them.
You scored 3 out of 10 on the Lack of Anxiety Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of need to be really close and dependent on your partner. This may hurt your relationship, especially if your partner also has a high level of independence and needs to have alone time and doesn't understand why you feel rejected during these times.
10 Things that Ruin Relationships
1. Secrets — You fear the consequences of telling your partner something you are ashamed about, and therefore cut off lines of communication.
2. Egotism — Thinking of yourself before thinking of your partner or the relationship diminishes the importance of your partner.
3. Pettiness — Blowing the little things up into big things when there is probably something else that is going on results in avoidance of the real issue.
4. Power — Always needing to be in control and trying to control your partner does not allow your partner his or her own indepedence.
5. Priorities — Doing everything else in your life before putting effort into the relationship tells your partner that his or her needs don't equal yours.
6. Selfishness — Using the relationship to feel good rather than just trying to be a good person in your relationship.
7. Excuses — Not accepting your responsibility for your mistakes and owning up to them shows a lack of maturity.
8. Liaisons — Maintaining taboo relationships when they might be doing harm to you and your partner undermines your commitment as a couple.
9. Denial — Ignoring the red flags and not discussing them constricts lines of open communication.
10. Withdrawal — Disconnecting for reasons that are not discussed or that you are confused about shuts down any hope of intimacy.
Where's the conflict in your relationship?
Tickle's research has identified 7 key areas, or points of conflict, that most people identify as the cause of their break-ups. They may sound familiar. They are related to sex, money, in-laws, infidelity, other friends, work, and quality time together.
Your answers on the test indicate that 2 of these 7 areas contribute to the conflict in your relationship. While these seven areas seem relatively common, what many people may not realize is that these conflict areas are not always the root of the problem. Oftentimes they are more symptomatic of underlying issues — issues that can undermine even the strongest of relationships. But in order to resolve conflicts in your relationship, you need to clearly define the areas that are causing you, or have the potential to cause, the biggest problems between you and your partner. Once you do that, you can figure out whether you can solve your problems through better communication, by making changes to your behavior, or with problem-solving techniques. By focusing on fixing each and any of these conflict areas, the relationship is better equipped to flourish.
You may find that simply acknowledging any problems may make a positive difference in your relationship. Or, you may find that it will take a lot more work, using communication, behavior modification, and problem solving. The areas that are checked below are contributingg to the conflict in your relationship.
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Quality Time
Quality time is a source of conflict for many couples. This is most often because failing to make time together — often due to busy schedules or competing interests and priorities — can leave partners wanting more.
You have indicated that quality time is a problem in your relationship. 54% of people who have taken this test also feel that quality time is a problem in their relationships. There is a good chance that the problems arising from this might trace back to something simple, like you needing to plan a weekly date night with your partner. Or it may be something more involved, like you do not feel emotionally connected with your partner, so your needs are not being met. These underlying issues, or something similar, can be the cause of your difficulties around quality time and should be explored with your partner.
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Infidelity
Infidelity is a serious problem that has the potential to dissolve ties and weaken or destroy the foundation of a relationship. Typically it isn't just the infidelity that is the issue; it is the trust that is broken and the poor communication between the couple that is the catalyst for the cheating, or that results from the cheating.
You have indicated that infidelity is not a problem in your relationship. In contrast, 30% of people who have taken this test feel that infidelity is a problem in their relationships. You'll want to make sure that you continue to have a healthy relationship with your partner and to make sure that you are both getting your needs met.
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Friends
A couple's friends can oftentimes cause stress on their relationship. These stresses can be caused by different personalities and whether or not you like or get along with your partner's friends. But oftentimes the issue goes a bit deeper. You and your partner might get jealous when the other makes plans with or spends time with friends. And these feelings can affect your relationship in a bad way.
You have indicated that your friends are not a problem in your relationship. That's not the case for everyone — 27% of people who have taken this test feel that their friends are a problem in their relationships. You'll want to make sure that you continue to have a healthy relationship around both your friends with your partner and to make sure that you are both open in discussing if anything does come up around this topic.
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Work
Work is a common source of conflict for couples. Typically it isn't just the work that is the issue; it is the allocation of time spent at work and the importance placed on work that can get in the way of your relationship.
You have indicated that work is a problem in your relationship. 45% of people who have taken this test also feel that work is a problem in their relationships. While it's not an uncommon problem, you have the opportunity to explore this topic with your partner to truly see what else is causing the problem. There is a good chance that it might be something simple like your partner spends too much time at work or it may be something more involved like you think one of you is running away from the problems within the relationship. These underlying issues can be the cause of your difficulties around your work and we encourage you to explore this with your partner.
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Money
Financial concerns cause problems for many couples. Typically it isn't just the money that is the issue, it is usually what the money is spent on or the emotional value the money holds to each person, which may be different for you and your partner.
You have indicated that your finances are not a problem in your relationship. Consider yourself lucky — 46% of people who have taken this test feel that money is a problem in their relationships. You'll want to make sure that you continue to have a healthy relationship about money with your partner and to make sure that you are both open in discussing if anything does come up around monetary issues.
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In-laws
In-laws are often a source of conflict for couples regardless of whether or not you and your partner like your in-laws. Stress concerning in-laws more often revolves not around specific personas, but more around the time and responsibility that is demanded of the couple by the in-laws. Jealousy and guilt — feelings that you should be spending more time with your own parents, rather than your in-laws — may develop as well. Understanding that the relationship between you and your partner should ideally take precedence over ties between others is important.
You have indicated that your in-laws are not a problem in your relationship. You're lucky — 42% of people who have taken this test feel that their in-laws are a problem in their relationships. You'll want to make sure that you continue to have a healthy relationship around your in-laws with your partner and to make sure that you are both open in discussing if anything does come up around this topic.
Take Action! How can you resolve conflicts in your relationship?
This exercise should help uncover some of the issues that may appear as conflicts in your relationship and ways to remedy these frustrations.
1. Write a list of your frustrations with your relationship.
For example, some common problems are expressed by inner thoughts such as "I wish my partner wanted to have sex more" or "I wish my partner cared more about managing our finances."
2. Now turn these frustrations into things you can do to decrease the frustration. For example, if you wanted to resolve a frustration like "I wish my partner wanted to have sex more," you might:
• Ask yourself why this is important to you.
Get clear on what is lacking in your sex life and how it is affecting you emotionally. Be honest with yourself and take ownership for any part of your frustration that isn't really about your partner.
• Think about ways you are willing to compromise. Envision your ultimate fantasy outcome, but understand that your relationship may not be able to provide full realization of this fantasy. Think about the very minimum that you can honestly be happy with if it means retaining harmony in a relationship that you care about.
• Talk openly to your partner about your frustration. Take care not to blame or accuse your partner. Simply tell your partner about the way your frustration is affecting you emotionally, tell your partner what your ultimate fantasy solution is (making it clear that you know your fantasy may not be realized), then let your partner know what you see as the minimum change that you would be happy with.
• Ask your partner to respond to what you said. Is there anything in your fantasy vision that appeals to them or that they feel they can do easily? Do they feel like your minimum request is reasonable? Do they have any additions or suggestions? From here, your conversation will take a course of its own. You may not be able to come to a full and satisfactory compromise in this first conversation. However, you will have gotten your concerns off your chest, you will have opened a conversation, you will have a realistic view of where your partner sits on the issue, and you may have even reached consensus on a few issues.
Note: If you are dissatisfied with your partner's response to your open communication, you may want to think about whether or not you feel your partner will be able to fulfill your needs in this area of your relationship. If, after much thought, you come to a negative conclusion, you will want to think about whether or not this is a deal breaker in your relationship.
How do you and your partner connect?
One key to a successful, committed relationship is having a high degree of relationship connection. When we speak of the connection in a relationship, we are referring to the extent to which partners feel united by their relationship. We assessed your degree of connectedness by measuring your scores on intimacy, chemistry and feelings towards one another. Tickle's research indicates that these three dimensions in particular play a large role in couples who report a high level of satisfaction with their relationships.
You scored relatively high overall on when it comes to connection. This means that the connection to your partner serves you well in attaining a healthy, successful relationship. Most likely, your relationships — family and friends included- benefit from these positive connections. It is this connection that is the foundation of any relationship. Let's dig a little deeper into the three dimensions that determine connection.
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Chemistry
The chemistry you share with your partner is essential if you want to keep things exciting and alive. There is a range of chemistry that is shared between partners, and you can always enhance the chemistry.
You scored 9 out of 10 on the Chemistry Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of attraction in your relationship. Attraction is essential in any relationship because it is what keeps the relationship exciting. Even during the routine times, the chemistry will keep things lively.
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Intimacy
The intimacy you share with your partner is really the emotional closeness that is unique to your partnership. The level of intimacy is different for each couple and it can always be deepened.
You scored 8 out of 10 on the Intimacy Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of emotional closeness in your relationship. Intimacy is essential in any relationship because it is the bond that keeps two people connected. Even during the hard times, your intimacy will keep you connected.
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Feelings
The feelings you have for your partner is an essential element in any intimate relationship. Feelings are hard to explain other than to say you know when you feel it and you know when you do not. The good thing to know is that everyone is capable of loving more.
You scored 5 out of 10 on the Feelings Scale. This means that you probably share a lower level of love with your partner than you might feel comfortable with. It is important to try to increase this love so that when you do endure hard times in your relationship you will have the glue to hold your relationship together.
Take Action! Telling your love story!
This exercise is to help you find the glory in your dating story. When couples talk about how they first met and the initial attraction they shared, it helps bring back the deep feelings they first had for their partner.
1. Jot down notes to the questions below. Make sure you create a visual for yourself so that you can access your feelings as well as your thoughts.
• Where did you meet your partner?
• What was your first impression?
• Did something about them standout?
• What were the first words you exchanged?
• What made the relationship worth pursuing?
• What were the highlights of your initial time together?
• What do you enjoy most about your partner?
• What would you miss about your partner?
2. Read over your notes and allow yourself some time to reflect on the memory of the beginning of your relationship. What were you thinking and feeling at the time? Excited? Calm? Confused? Attracted? Awkward?
3.Now ask your partner if they can share with you in a conversation based on your notes. Ask them some of the same questions you answered so you can experience the beginning of your relationship from their eyes. How different is their experience from yours? How did they feel?
4. Spend some time enjoying the feelings you have brought back into your relationship.
How do you interact in a relationship?
Chances are you've looked at another couple who look happy and have wondered, "What's their secret?" Turns out there may actually be one. In fact, there may actually be seven secrets — or for our purposes, dimensions — that are important to a successful relationship. They are lack of contempt, mutual support, physical affection, lack of defensiveness, problem solving, acknowledgement and mutual respect. Through research, we've found that these seven dimensions are significant in successful, committed and mutually satisfying relationships, and using your answers, we measured the interaction between you and your partner on those dimensions. It is important to note that when we speak of the interaction in a relationship, we are referring to the extent to which partners are satisfied with the two-way involvement with one another.
According to your responses, your interactions in your relationship are serving you well in attaining a healthy, successful relationship. It is most likely that your relationships, family and friends included, benefit from these positive interactions. Now let's break this down a little more and see how you scored on these key dimensions.
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Growing Together
The idea of growing together is important in your relationship - it can demonstrate how much you honor and trust your partner's differences. It also allows for growth for each individual without fear of losing the relationship.
You scored 10 out of 10 on the Growing Together Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of satisfaction when it comes to growing along the same path as your partner. Because it is easy to get off track, you'll want to be careful to have common ground with your partner as you are exploring your own aspirations.
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Physical Affection
The demonstration of physical affection - you may know it better as good old-fashioned PDA, or public display of affection - has been proven to be an indication of a loving partnership. Each of us has our own comfort level when it comes to showing affection. Research says that sometimes all we need is to be touched to produce the feelings we have for our partner.
You scored 10 out of 10 on the Physical Affection Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of physical affection that is demonstrated in your relationship. Because it is easy to feel distanced in a relationship, make sure you show your partner physically how much they mean to you.
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Acknowledgement
The way you acknowledge and listen your partner is also significant in any relationship. This basically means you accept your partner as a human being, warts and all. A person can blossom when they are understood.
You scored 9 out of 10 on the Acknowledgement Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of understanding of your partner and you really let your partner know that you acknowledge their goals and aspirations. Because getting too little acknowledgement can easily be a problem in any relationship, you will always want to let your partner know that you appreciate what they do for you and that you understand where they are coming from.
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Problem Solving
Problem solving skills are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. It is not how often you argue but how you argue that is the key to success. If your arguments can be turned into problem solving sessions, your relationship will have one less stressor. If you practice solving the small problems in this way, you will be able to handle the big ones when they come up with a lot more ease.
You scored 9 out of 10 on the Problem Solving Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of problem solving skills in your relationship. You are probably able to solve most issues that arise in your relationship in a very healthy way with both you and your partner feeling good about the decision. Because poor problem solving skills can affect most relationships, you'll want to always pay attention to the way you go about solving a problem.
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Mutual Respect
Shared mutual respect is critical to a successful relationship. It is important to honor your partner for who they are and what they've accomplished. If you have a lot of respect for your partner, they most likely will have respect for you. If they do not, then you really need to explore the reason for this further.
You scored 9 out of 10 on the Mutual Respect Scale. This means that you probably have a high level of satisfaction for the respect you and your partner share. Because you can lose respect over time, you'll want to make sure you honor your partner's differences and show them that you are proud of what they accomplish.
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Lack of Contempt
The feeling of contempt can really sabotage a relationship. This feeling goes past wanting to give your partner constructive criticism, it really says that you do not like your partner for who they are. It really attacks your partner's personally rather than focusing on their behavior. For example, if your partner listens to the TV at an extra high volume you may want to ask them to please turn it down because you are unable to read in the other room. This is a healthier approach than accusing them for being selfish because they have the TV too loud, for this is a personal attack on their character.
You scored 7 out of 10 on the Lack of Contempt Scale. This means that you probably have a low level of contempt for your partner and that you are able to give them feedback without making them feel like they aren't a good person. Because contempt can easily sneak into a relationship, you'll want to be careful not to personalize any problems that arise in your relationship or engage in any unhealthy blaming thoughts that may pop into your head.
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Lack of Defensiveness
Defensiveness has been proven to be a main cause of the breakdown a romantic partnership. It is best to catch any kind of agitated response or action before it begins to alter the bond of your relationship.
You scored 6 out of 10 on the Lack of Defensiveness Scale. This means that you probably have a noticeable level of defensiveness and that you might find yourself picking at your partner purposely or jumping to a conclusion based on something they said. Because defensiveness can really break the bond of a relationship, make sure you talk about your feelings if you notice that feelings are getting bruised over the course of your interactions.
Take Action! Open your heart!
When negativity builds up between you and your partner, a great way to identify the problem, open your heart, and release the negativity that's arisen from it is to write what we call A Feeling Letter. Here's how.
1. Write an open emotional letter to your partner. You may or may not decide to give it to your partner, but when you write it, assume that you are not going to give it to them.
A few examples to include in your letter may be to write:
* how your partner makes you feel
* what they have done to hurt you (without blaming or accusing)
* what you wish they would do more of (without demanding)
* what you treasure about them
* what your hopes for the future are and how your partner is included
Include in this letter any feelings your have of anger, sadness, fear, remorse, or love.
2. Respond to your letter the way you would like to be supported and answered. Doing this exercise will give you a feeling for what it is like to be on the receiving end of your emotional communication. You may learn something about your own ability to communicate in a way that allows your partner to respond well. Sometimes we communicate our more intense emotions in a way that makes it almost impossible for our partners to respond in a way that makes both of you feel good. After the experience of responding to your own letter, you may want to rewrite the letter in such a way that it fosters a less hostile or charged environment for a clear exchange between the two of you.
3. If you are comfortable with your letter, share the letters with your partner so they understand more about how you feel, the way you like to be supported and nurtured, and your understanding of their position in your relationship.
How can you improve your relationship even when you have some problems?
A recent study was conducted which showed that 50% of divorced couples 5 years after their divorce regretted getting a divorce from their partner. There is something to be said for doing everything you can to improve your current relationship before giving up. As you may know, there are many long-term effects from divorce; financial matters, children and self-esteem can all be affected. There is a decent chance that if you do not learn the skills involved in a relationship or look at yourself closer, you may repeat the same behaviors in your next relationship.
Most couples experience difficulties at various points of their relationship and/or marriage. Some of the big stressors include life changes such as marriage, childbirth, relocation to another city, a changing of jobs, death of a parent, and so on. In times like these, relationships are really tested. There is no shame in consulting with a couple's therapist, your pastor at your church, or picking up a self-help book in an attempt to head-off challenging situation. There are also pre-marital inventory tests that can be taken through a few different sources.
While there are many sources to turn to for help, you can get started on the Internet by going to www.AAMFT.org to find a therapist near you. And for a pre-marital inventory, check out www.communication-empowerment.com.
If you have determined that you cannot salvage your relationship, then you need to prepare to leave the relationship. There are many ways to get help and comfort during this time. A relationship should be grieved as a loss, so you take your time in healing. You may want to allow yourself some time to get to know yourself again and spend some time with family and friends. Try to pick up a new hobby that you enjoy and make sure to eat right and get some exercise. Of course, the release from the relationship may also make you feel much better. If this is the case, then go and do the things that make you happy. You deserve it!
History Behind the Test
Relationships are the most popular subject of self-help strategies and there are countless theories and research about the subject. The higher profile names associated with the subject include Dr. John Gottman, John Gray and Blaine Fowers.
Dr. John Gottman founded the Gottman Institute, which fosters research both to the scientific community and to the public. His most recent research has been the prediction of couples' longevity. Through his work, Dr. Gottman has achieved a 90-percent accuracy rate as to whether a couple will make it or not. His team observes each partners' heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people. His latest best-selling book, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," includes his tested methods which evaluate, strengthen, and maintain long-term relationships.
Dr. John Gray, the author of the best-seller, "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus," is an internationally recognized expert in communication and relationships. His methodology focuses on helping men and women understand, respect, and appreciate each other's differences. He has written over 14 other best-selling books. A practicing marriage and family counselor, Dr. Gray accumulates his research from real life experiences rather than scientific studies.
For the Tickle Relationship Assessment Test, we culled information from numerous sources and experts on relationship longevity, and then conducted a survey of over 1,000 people on the topic of their relationship dynamics and relationship satisfaction. Our analyses led us to define the four main areas the impact relationship satisfaction: Points of Conflict, Individual Traits, Interaction, and Connection. Within these major areas, Tickle was able to identify 20 specific dimensions that contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.
We wish you the all the best in your relationship endeavor and sincerely hope this test has given you what you need to get what you want out of your relationship. We'd love your feedback — let us know if we helped on the "Test and Tell" link on our website.
